The most beautiful empowering miscarriage I supported was a good friend and client of mine.
The most beautiful empowering miscarriage I supported was a good friend and client of mine. She had shared her early pregnancy with friends and family with the thought that if she miscarried, she wanted it to be shared and known. Any pregnancy is a successful pregnancy, as it brings in new life and transformation. As a birthworker, she knew the importance of the process and didn’t want to go through it hidden and alone. Late one night around 7 weeks pregnant she sent me a picture of some bleeding she had and said she was experiencing minor cramping. We chatted on the phone, talked about resting and taking it easy. The hard thing about miscarriage is there is nothing you can do, it is a surrender in watching and waiting. My response to my friend was hopeful, as bleeding and cramping can be very normal in both pregnancy and miscarriage.
I woke up early the next morning, and she had let me know she felt like this baby wasn’t sticking around, her bleeding had increased and her intuition was telling her she was miscarrying. I called but she didn’t answer, so I texted, “How’s your heart?” Miscarriage is so many emotions, you find yourself asking why? How? Looking over the last weeks with a fine tooth comb, did I work out too hard? Was it that moment when I felt I wasn’t ready for motherhood? Was it that cocktail I had before I knew? So, many what ifs, but what midwifery and motherhood has taught me is it isn’t any of those things. Miscarriage happens and every pregnancy and life brings us transformation, whether they stay 7 weeks or 19 weeks or 37 weeks.
I had a busy work day planned visiting postpartum mamas and fresh babies. In between it all I would see my friend and gift her with a Box for Loss. I am so grateful that we have this box to provide support and yet, I also realize that every time someone purchases one of our boxes, they have a special friend like mine, that is grieving, going through the same process.When I arrived my friend was on the couch, a heating pad on her belly, warm comfy clothes, fuzzy socks, snuggly blanket, and listening to music. Loss doesn’t always come on the most practical days, the day of her miscarriage, was her partners birthday and they had tons of plans with family.
I felt so fortunate to be able to support my friend, where so many of us (myself included) have been alone in our miscarriage losses. It can be hard to know what to say or do, so I gave her a huge hug and we sat in silence for a minute. I asked her again, “how’s your heart?” Better now, “I had a warm bath and a big ugly release cry.”
I snuggled up next to my friend and sat and listened as she shared her story. She shared her plan for work, her plan for letting her family know, how her partner was doing, how her child was doing. I made her a batch of happy tea with honey and we chatted about it all. With glossy eyes I asked if I could massage and bind her belly. I realize this might not be comfortable for some friends but my friend is a bodyworker/birthworker specializing in pregnancy and postpartum and we both know the importance of physically, emotionally and spiritually nourishing the body. She laid down and I was able to nourish my friend with a gentle massage, we chatted and laughed. Then I wrapped her belly up and thanked her body for how healthy it is, and for allowing me to support her through this.
We talked about taking care of herself, and taking time off work. She did something that was so amazing for our community of families, she told our clients, she had miscarried and she would need time to heal, rest and recover. That she couldn’t see them for a massage that week, or next week. She mirrored to our community the normalcy of miscarriage and the importance of taking care of yourself. When I think of the transformation and education that this little life brought so many in my community it brings me to tears. She spent that week resting and reflecting. When her mom offered to bring food and clean her house, she said yes. When people shared stories of their miscarriage they passed alone or between the bathroom stalls at work she validated them and shared another way of miscarrying.
Through all of this my friends’ physical symptoms, bleeding and cramping came and went. Her body was able to pass her miscarriage fairly efficiently because she was able to rest and allow it to do so. After she stopped bleeding she did some more self care, vaginal steaming, talked to a therapist and got a womb massage.
Most miscarriages can be passed safely at home, but there are different types of miscarriages, and I recommend contacting your midwife to discuss if home miscarriage is a safe option for you. A complete miscarriage is when all the baby, placenta and sack and uterine lining has left the uterus empty.
A incomplete miscarriage is when it begins but some tissue stays in the womb. A incomplete miscarriage sometimes necessitates dilation and curettage or medication (these medications side effects can include nausea.) Some miscarriages can happen when a baby implants in the fallopian tube, this is called an ectopic pregnancy and is a medical emergency. If you are unsure if your pregnancy is an ectopic pregnancy, an ultrasound can confirm.
As a midwife, holding space and supporting my friend was inherent and instinctive but if you are experiencing a miscarriage, and need support here are my suggestions to have an empowered miscarriage at home. And even though the experience will be filled with many grief related emotions, you can take steps to have an empowering miscarriage at home
Someone who can sit with you, bring you food, bring you water without draining you emotionally. This should be someone besides your partner. Partner support is wonderful, but they often need someone to also help support them in this process. If you don’t have someone specific in mind, hire a doula. If you are grieving alone, I recommend finding a support person as it is very important to have someone with you in the first 24 hours after starting the miscarriage, in case of emergencies.
If you have the ability and luxury to take some time off work to process your feelings do! Taking time from work to rest, cry and process your grief can be very healing.
Seek support with a specialist, a midwife, a therapist, an acupuncturist, a massage therapist, a nutritionist, a naturopath, any one of these that can provide you with nourishing care.
It can be a vulnerable place, but those that share their story often find it healing.
Whether it is purchasing something or finding something on a hike, having something tangible to acknowledge and celebrate the life of your baby is important and empowering.
Many may want to look ahead toward future pregnancies, but remember a healthy pregnancy is more likely after giving your body and heart time to heal and regulate from the loss. This is usually 3 months, during these times make sure to continue to take your supplements, maintain good nutrition, full of protein (80-100) grams a day, and lots of fruits and vegetables.
My friend’s miscarriage was a process, because miscarriage IS a process. It is a physical, emotional, spiritual, mental process. Each one of those parts of ourselves must be nourished along the way. You don’t have to be alone in this process, You are not alone, find support through a Community Midwife in your area.
Josie
